2007-12-06 : 2:17 p.m.
lithium

four years ago was my last entry in this thing, who would have thought i'd find it? surprise! life is much different now, ashley who i wrote of in the previous entry is now known as ashton, a female-to-make transsexual. who would have thought that either?

life is just school and work and school and work and honestly a lot more work than school, but it seems like it is a constant cycle and i don't have that bursting ...anything inside me anymore. i just get high until there's nothing to think about except the patterns on the television screen or the way the blanket feels against my body. i have an evaluation soon, they want to know if i'm crazy aka bipolar with my constant up and downs. before, i didn't believe them.. i thought they were trying to make me into something i'm not.

but now i'll be lying in bed feeling like suicide would be a better option than waking up the following morning, and i stare at myself in the mirror until i don't recognize myself anymore, and i am numb. then all at once i get a surge of happy fanatical energy and i am jumping on the bed and drinking too much beer too fast and dressing up in boys clothing and music sounds the way ecstacy feels.

but they will want to put me on lithium. or something. it's just that the ups feel so damn good that the downs are worth it. and in some strange way, the downs can feel good too. painfully good.. the way i like it.

i think i'll leave it at that, maybe post a few things i've been jotting in notebooks on here later. my computer is fixed, my brain is not, but my creativity is growing.

previous : next

lithium - 2007-12-06
maybe you'll be lonesome too - 2002-09-04
she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.. - 2002-09-03